I haven't been happy in a very long time.
By happy, I mean completely satisfied in every area of my life. There are plenty of points in my life that I've been happy and having a great time in the moment, but looking back it was only because I was able to distract myself enough with something I enjoy that I forgot about all the stupid disappointing shit that I've done and mistakes that I've made in the past.
They say "don't dwell on the past" but I call bullshit on that. I'm a perfectionist to the point where I wouldn't turn in homework assignments in high school if I didn't have every single problem done perfectly, thereby losing all the points for the ones that I did complete. It took me a while to realize how stupid that was, but realizing that only affected my actions; I still feel awful if I turn in work that is incomplete or sub-par by my standards, and sometimes I still don't. To me, my mistakes in the past are all assignments that I turned in to the gradebook of life in some imperfect state, most of them being absolutely horrendous work on my part. See, in another paper, I would rewrite this entire paragraph at this point, because I really am not a fan of the flow of it, but I'm not going to in order to make a point. I'd probably also try to find another word for "point" there, because in my writing program both "points" in that sentence land at the end of a line right on top of each other, and since parallelism wasn't intended, I have the urge to change one to make it look better. See how nitpicky I am? It's unbearable.
I started down the path of several points I wanted to make in this, and still haven't made a single one.
I wrote this without rereading "The Productivity of Limbo" because I didn't want it to be perfect. In fact, I wanted it to be not perfect. That was also not the reason at all. I didn't reread it first because I thought I remembered what I wrote, and because I was too damn lazy to check. I only just realized that I barely remembered any of it, and that this is already gotten to 367 words without even covering what "Act III" is, so I guess it'll have to wait until next time.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
The Productivity of Limbo
I'm bored. This is one of those times between classes where it's barely too much time to be able to go back to the dorm and hang out without having to leave for class 15 minutes later. I usually decide whether or not to do so based on a combination of what I want to do at the dorm in those 15 minutes, what I know I would end up doing there, and whether or not I'm OK with being late to my next class because 15 minutes just isn't enough time to complete anything for me. Also, if I don't decide to go back before the class ends, it's too late to decide, and I better go find myself a nice place to sit. These limbo times are spent almost entirely on my Nexus 7, because even if you're intently swiping back and forth between your home screens with absolutely no aim, you still look like your being productive.
I put on an act in public, just like everyone else. I almost put "I tend to" there instead, but I realized that wasn't right, I always do. When I say "in public" I mean "around anyone I don't consider to know personally". This act is one of utter apathy and complete self absorption, which is funny because that is the absolute opposite of who I really am, and I don't know why I do it but I can't seem to stop.
Act 2 of myself is the one I use around acquaintances and some friends, and it's the happy one, the one that makes people laugh and seems content with every damn thing in the world. This one I do on purpose, and will continue to do, because why make people feel bad about my problems? They've probably got their own shit to deal with, and to hide, and even if they don't, happiness is better.
That would have been where someone else might have used " life is too short to x so y" but I just spent an extra 3 minutes avoiding it because life isn't short at all for most people, and even if I knew I was destined to live for a thousand years, no amount of life would be long enough to justify making one person less happy.
There's an Act 3 too, and probably an Act 4, but they'll have to wait for next time, because my ADD meds are wearing off, and now I'm bored of this.
I put on an act in public, just like everyone else. I almost put "I tend to" there instead, but I realized that wasn't right, I always do. When I say "in public" I mean "around anyone I don't consider to know personally". This act is one of utter apathy and complete self absorption, which is funny because that is the absolute opposite of who I really am, and I don't know why I do it but I can't seem to stop.
Act 2 of myself is the one I use around acquaintances and some friends, and it's the happy one, the one that makes people laugh and seems content with every damn thing in the world. This one I do on purpose, and will continue to do, because why make people feel bad about my problems? They've probably got their own shit to deal with, and to hide, and even if they don't, happiness is better.
That would have been where someone else might have used " life is too short to x so y" but I just spent an extra 3 minutes avoiding it because life isn't short at all for most people, and even if I knew I was destined to live for a thousand years, no amount of life would be long enough to justify making one person less happy.
There's an Act 3 too, and probably an Act 4, but they'll have to wait for next time, because my ADD meds are wearing off, and now I'm bored of this.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
600 Seconds
What frequently happens when I listen to people is that every single thing that they have to say carries an incredible importance in my head for a period of around 10 minutes, at which point I pretty consistently couldn't even repeat what they told me. Such is life with a memory as bad as mine, but what makes me what people call a “good listener” is that ten minutes of complete empathetic concentration that I put forth in order to fully understand and appreciate the things that people choose to share.
When I choose to say things in a room full of people who, frankly, I still barely even know, I say them as if every single person is doing that exact same thing to what I say. Dissecting the words, finding the secrets hidden in the contexts, fully comprehending exactly how I feel about a situation. This is part of the reason that I speak so infrequently, because I feel like every word needs to be perfect.
Oddly enough, when I write things such as this blog post, I do nearly the exact opposite. I let the thoughts flow without bound, because I feel that this is the most legitimate and unforced way of expressing whatever point I am trying to express. This probably is also due to the fact that in a blog or paper setting, nobody is going to look at me like I’m being absolutely ridiculous as I write it, so there isn’t the fear of immediate judgement that I always seem to have in front of a live audience.
This was supposed to be about something that someone said that stuck, but as I mentioned initially, nothing ever sticks past ten minutes with me that others say. For those ten minutes, it is my life’s goal to appreciate it, and then it’s gone like Tuesday with the wind. Things that I say myself, however, do stick with me, and the one thing that I can’t stop thinking about saying was the thing that “nobody knows about you” from a few classes ago. People put funny hobbies, or crazy adventures, but I put “Lack of self-satisfaction”, and that was moving for me to say because to say it, I had to figure out how I understood it, and it made me realize that I’ve never told anyone at all about it before. That included myself.
It isn't every day that you actually get to tell yourself something that you didn't know, and when those times come, you have to give yourself that ten minutes to figure out why. Next time you’re asked for something that nobody knows about you, include yourself in that criteria, because sometimes the mask that you use to lie to everyone else is seen too often in the mirror, to the point where you believe it too.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
...right?
In every situation in life where a choice must be made, values affect the outcome. That is a generalization, but I'm using it anyway. Everyone wants to make the right decision. Another generalization. Decisions will be different when made by different people with different values. Probably true, but a bit specific. Considering these statements, values determine what different people feel is right when saved with different situations. So what is actually right?
By now, the majority of us understand that there are many different types of leaders, and there are many different types of good leaders. Do good leaders all have the same values? No. Do all good leaders make the same decisions? No. A leader must be able to either use their values to facilitate good decision making, or to put aside their values for the good of the group. This may lead to different results, facilitated by different decisions, but the key role of a leader is to be able to interpret and handle the situation in what they feel will result in the best outcome.
Did I just say that leaders need to go by their values to overlook their values? Yes. No time to rewrite that section, but I can explain it, using myself as an example. I have a lot of conflicting values, and I doubt I'm alone in that. I hate making people feel bad, but when a group member has a 4th grade writing level, the last thing I any them to be doing is the intro to the report. So, would it be 'right' inform them of this and reassign their skills, or do I avoid the conflict altogether and rewrite it silently afterward? I know that in this situation my dislike of disheartening others would trump the potential to advise them and help them improve, but whether or not this is the right decision is up for debate.
My idea of this topic has actually changed as I've written, so here's a revised statement: Leaders must be able to assess situations and make the correct decision based on their values and their leadership abilities. If I knew that bringing up my group member's writing ability could really help due to my ability to teach the subject well, then that might have overcome my fear of making them feel bad. I don't have that skill, so that wouldn't happen, but for another leader it certainly could.
Values are another tool in a leader's arsenal, if they choose to use them as such. They are, however, a much more dangerous tool, and can become a weapon if you don't know when to holster them.
By now, the majority of us understand that there are many different types of leaders, and there are many different types of good leaders. Do good leaders all have the same values? No. Do all good leaders make the same decisions? No. A leader must be able to either use their values to facilitate good decision making, or to put aside their values for the good of the group. This may lead to different results, facilitated by different decisions, but the key role of a leader is to be able to interpret and handle the situation in what they feel will result in the best outcome.
Did I just say that leaders need to go by their values to overlook their values? Yes. No time to rewrite that section, but I can explain it, using myself as an example. I have a lot of conflicting values, and I doubt I'm alone in that. I hate making people feel bad, but when a group member has a 4th grade writing level, the last thing I any them to be doing is the intro to the report. So, would it be 'right' inform them of this and reassign their skills, or do I avoid the conflict altogether and rewrite it silently afterward? I know that in this situation my dislike of disheartening others would trump the potential to advise them and help them improve, but whether or not this is the right decision is up for debate.
My idea of this topic has actually changed as I've written, so here's a revised statement: Leaders must be able to assess situations and make the correct decision based on their values and their leadership abilities. If I knew that bringing up my group member's writing ability could really help due to my ability to teach the subject well, then that might have overcome my fear of making them feel bad. I don't have that skill, so that wouldn't happen, but for another leader it certainly could.
Values are another tool in a leader's arsenal, if they choose to use them as such. They are, however, a much more dangerous tool, and can become a weapon if you don't know when to holster them.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Registration, Leadership, and Going Over Length Requirements
You could say I took this course because I needed the credits. You could say that because I did. However, if you checked the available classes at the time I registered, you would realize two things. 1: not a huge selection, and 2: there was a selection. I did take this class because I needed credits, yes, but I chose this class. Not Barbecuing 101. Not Shakespearian Poetry 1292939. ESHESA 2570. I needed to stay full time, but rather than breezing through some random elective, I chose to further my knowledge of leadership skills, and hopefully, my leadership skills themselves.
I tend to do everything at the last minute, hence the name of this blog. 11:20 may not seem like 'last minute' to some people, but when you have a lab from 12 to 3 and then this class, it's cutting it a bit close. Why do I mention this, though, in an essay that's supposed to be about leadership? Hey, I have to get this thing to 500 words somehow.
I kid. I mention this because this is an aspect of myself that I can improve in terms of leadership in my life. I am easily distracted, and procrastinate for hours every day. My ADD medicine only feels like it lasts for about 4 hours after I take it in the morning, and I tell you what, it really helps me focus on procrastinating much more intently! Or writing 500 word blog posts. But really, only four hours of normal human being focus? "Extended Release Tablets" my ass.
As I said, I get distracted. "Why didn't he cut that crap out? It's dumb!" or better yet "Can he go two paragraphs without writing a rhetorical question?" Guess not.
With all these flaws, you'd think I'd be an awful leader, and probably have zero experience. Oddly enough, that's not the case. My family has hosted a Bible camp called 'Backyard Bible School' at our house every single summer since I was three, and I've lead small groups for that since before I was even allowed to sign community service papers for it. I've also always been a music person, and that included being lead guitar in my Junior High and High School Jazz Band for that 6 years, along with being section leader junior and senior year in the Marching Band and Drumline. I played Marimba, and since I know I'll have to explain that otherwise here's a picture:
And here's a video of me doing that, which for some reason couldn't be embedded:
So I have real life experience, and apparently I'm decent, because somebody put me there and liked that setup enough to keep me there. I took this class because I know that musical leadership isn't even close to the tip of the iceberg in terms of leadership as a whole, it's just a part of it. The Titanic hasn't even been built yet to go out and hit the iceberg with the experiences I've had. I may not get all of those precious participation points for saying some words within a set three hour period in my day because in this class I want to be primarily a listener, a sponge sitting there to soak up the lessons that everyone else has to teach, a drain for the stories of others to flow into. And despite all that guitar playing, four malleting leadership up above, trust me: I'm a damn good listener.
-Grant
I tend to do everything at the last minute, hence the name of this blog. 11:20 may not seem like 'last minute' to some people, but when you have a lab from 12 to 3 and then this class, it's cutting it a bit close. Why do I mention this, though, in an essay that's supposed to be about leadership? Hey, I have to get this thing to 500 words somehow.
I kid. I mention this because this is an aspect of myself that I can improve in terms of leadership in my life. I am easily distracted, and procrastinate for hours every day. My ADD medicine only feels like it lasts for about 4 hours after I take it in the morning, and I tell you what, it really helps me focus on procrastinating much more intently! Or writing 500 word blog posts. But really, only four hours of normal human being focus? "Extended Release Tablets" my ass.
As I said, I get distracted. "Why didn't he cut that crap out? It's dumb!" or better yet "Can he go two paragraphs without writing a rhetorical question?" Guess not.
With all these flaws, you'd think I'd be an awful leader, and probably have zero experience. Oddly enough, that's not the case. My family has hosted a Bible camp called 'Backyard Bible School' at our house every single summer since I was three, and I've lead small groups for that since before I was even allowed to sign community service papers for it. I've also always been a music person, and that included being lead guitar in my Junior High and High School Jazz Band for that 6 years, along with being section leader junior and senior year in the Marching Band and Drumline. I played Marimba, and since I know I'll have to explain that otherwise here's a picture:
And here's a video of me doing that, which for some reason couldn't be embedded:
So I have real life experience, and apparently I'm decent, because somebody put me there and liked that setup enough to keep me there. I took this class because I know that musical leadership isn't even close to the tip of the iceberg in terms of leadership as a whole, it's just a part of it. The Titanic hasn't even been built yet to go out and hit the iceberg with the experiences I've had. I may not get all of those precious participation points for saying some words within a set three hour period in my day because in this class I want to be primarily a listener, a sponge sitting there to soak up the lessons that everyone else has to teach, a drain for the stories of others to flow into. And despite all that guitar playing, four malleting leadership up above, trust me: I'm a damn good listener.
-Grant
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