600 Seconds

What frequently happens when I listen to people is that every single thing that they have to say carries an incredible importance in my head for a period of around 10 minutes, at which point I pretty consistently couldn't even repeat what they told me. Such is life with a memory as bad as mine, but what makes me what people call a “good listener” is that ten minutes of complete empathetic concentration that I put forth in order to fully understand and appreciate the things that people choose to share.

When I choose to say things in a room full of people who, frankly, I still barely even know, I say them as if every single person is doing that exact same thing to what I say. Dissecting the words, finding the secrets hidden in the contexts, fully comprehending exactly how I feel about a situation. This is part of the reason that I speak so infrequently, because I feel like every word needs to be perfect.

Oddly enough, when I write things such as this blog post, I do nearly the exact opposite. I let the thoughts flow without bound, because I feel that this is the most legitimate and unforced way of expressing whatever point I am trying to express. This probably is also due to the fact that in a blog or paper setting, nobody is going to look at me like I’m being absolutely ridiculous as I write it, so there isn’t the fear of immediate judgement that I always seem to have in front of a live audience.

This was supposed to be about something that someone said that stuck, but as I mentioned initially, nothing ever sticks past ten minutes with me that others say. For those ten minutes, it is my life’s goal to appreciate it, and then it’s gone like Tuesday with the wind. Things that I say myself, however, do stick with me, and the one thing that I can’t stop thinking about saying was the thing that “nobody knows about you” from a few classes ago. People put funny hobbies, or crazy adventures, but I put “Lack of self-satisfaction”, and that was moving for me to say because to say it, I had to figure out how I understood it, and it made me realize that I’ve never told anyone at all about it before. That included myself.

It isn't every day that you actually get to tell yourself something that you didn't know, and when those times come, you have to give yourself that ten minutes to figure out why. Next time you’re asked for something that nobody knows about you, include yourself in that criteria, because sometimes the mask that you use to lie to everyone else is seen too often in the mirror, to the point where you believe it too.