NOT ACT III

I haven't been happy in a very long time.

By happy, I mean completely satisfied in every area of my life. There are plenty of points in my life that I've been happy and having a great time in the moment, but looking back it was only because I was able to distract myself enough with something I enjoy that I forgot about all the stupid disappointing shit that I've done and mistakes that I've made in the past.

They say "don't dwell on the past" but I call bullshit on that. I'm a perfectionist to the point where I wouldn't turn in homework assignments in high school if I didn't have every single problem done perfectly, thereby losing all the points for the ones that I did complete. It took me a while to realize how stupid that was, but realizing that only affected my actions; I still feel awful if I turn in work that is incomplete or sub-par by my standards, and sometimes I still don't. To me, my mistakes in the past are all assignments that I turned in to the gradebook of life in some imperfect state, most of them being absolutely horrendous work on my part. See, in another paper, I would rewrite this entire paragraph at this point, because I really am not a fan of the flow of it, but I'm not going to in order to make a point. I'd probably also try to find another word for "point" there, because in my writing program both "points" in that sentence land at the end of a line right on top of each other, and since parallelism wasn't intended, I have the urge to change one to make it look better. See how nitpicky I am? It's unbearable.

I started down the path of several points I wanted to make in this, and still haven't made a single one.

I wrote this without rereading "The Productivity of Limbo" because I didn't want it to be perfect. In fact, I wanted it to be not perfect. That was also not the reason at all. I didn't reread it first because I thought I remembered what I wrote, and because I was too damn lazy to check. I only just realized that I barely remembered any of it, and that this is already gotten to 367 words without even covering what "Act III" is, so I guess it'll have to wait until next time.